Dear Black Man, From The Loving Black Woman

As promised, I spoke to many beautiful, loving Black Women in response to last week's blog titled "Dear Black Woman, From The Loving Black Man. I'm excited to report that I received an influx of response and true contemplation from both men and women, as a result of opening this line of communication in complete anonymity. My goal is to continue to be a conduit, bringing both sides together in the name of love, honesty and understanding, since both have expressed how hard it is to find a suitable mate in the other. I'm on a mission to help stop the generational curse of divorce and disconnect which plague many families today. I have expressions from several Black Women who were brave enough to expose themselves and share their truth, to the Black Man, straight up with no chaser. I asked them 3 questions (below). Here are their loving responses. Again, their names have been disguised in order to keep their anonymity.

Q1: What do you want the Black Man to know?

Q2: What do you need from him?

Q3: What are you willing to give him in return?

Sunshine

A1: I want the Black Man to know that it is not an attack on him if he is called out on his nonsense. It's healthy to take responsibility for his poor choices and actions. I also need him to know that he doesn't always have to try and "prove" how strong of a man he is. It's okay to be vulnerable and show your emotions. It makes you human.

A2: I need the Black Man to be willing to communicate openly and effectively with me, and stimulate me intellectually. This is one way in which a relationship can remain healthy. It's a must for me to have a man that is supportive of me in all areas of my life, by being a good listener and actively showing support for my dreams and goals. Last but not least, I definitely need him to have a sexual appetite.

A3: In return, I will give him the very best of me. When a woman feels loved, respected and supported, there are no limits.

23 Years In

A1: I want the Black Man to know that he is capable of being the perfect partner and a loyal friend to his Black Woman, as long as it's who he genuinely wants to be. Your woman will know if that's who you genuinely want to be, based on your own efforts- even if you make mistakes along the way towards becoming that man.

A2: I need the Black Man to look at his Black Woman as his "equal". I need him to understand and respect the fact that what he says and does will be reciprocated, whether good or bad. It's very simple, treat your woman exactly how you want her to treat you. You will experience so much love, happiness, support, sex and overall peace of mind, if you operate from that perspective.

A3: A Black Woman tends to give her ALL to her Black Man even after he puts her through the worst; so imagine what she will give to the man who treats her well. Try being the kind of man for your woman, that you want her to be for you. In return, watch how much she gives to you and watch the levels of satisfaction the two of you reach together.

Jimi Jam

A1: Black Men need to know that Black Women are strong and independent but need "them" most of all. Quit allowing us to feel like we can do this thing called life without you!!!!

A2: I need time, consistency, security and affection from the Black Man.

A3: In return, I am willing to be submissive and allow him time to lead. I will empower him to be better in every aspect of his life. I will encourage him, support him and be a team player, so we can win at this life journey that we embark upon.

Golden

A1: I want the Black Man to know that we (Black Women) are fragile. Please don't break us, because when you do, you force us to become something we're not designed to be.

A2: I need loyalty, intimacy and leadership from you. We have to understand that we are building generations, not just looking for this lifetime's companionship, a warm body, and good "D". Loyalty, intimacy and leadership requires being spiritually sound, completely committed, completely open and a solid plan maker. Leadership requires being an example and being trustworthy; not just wanting things your way and thinking we (Black Women) are just supposed to listen because you said so. I'm your partner, not your child or your enemy. Show us that we can trust you with our lives and the lives will produce!

A3: When you're feeding my soul and propelling me higher, the possibilities of what I will give you in return are endless! You get out what you put in, so if I "ain't acting right"...check the mirror playa. I mean, after all, YOU ARE THE HEAD!

Stoney

A1: I want the Black Man to know that we support him, however, we are not magicians, nor are we their mothers; so I will not continue to feed him the nipple, but I'll stand with him, ride with him, cover him, protect him, and even lie for him, if his life depended on it.

A2: I need the Black man to know that being submissive does not mean that I now don't have an opinion. I cannot and will not be controlled, but I can be persuaded. If I feel you are leading us into a ditch, I need you to know that you can trust my instincts, and allow me to help you, help us.

A3: I am willing to give you that part of me that is hidden, far beneath the surface. That part that no one knows about. The part of me that is scared and vulnerable, and needs to feel safe. I am willing to give him my inner core, if he can make me feel safe and protected.

Clara

A1: I need the Black Man to know that deep down we (Black Women) care, even when our words say otherwise.

A2: I need the Black Man's understanding without judgments or opinions.

A3: In return I'm willing to give him understanding without judgement or opinion.

Sadie

A1: I need the Black Man to know that there is so much value that he brings to a relationship, beyond protecting and providing. Your presence is not limited to such. There is nothing more beautiful than YOU. I need you and respect you at all times. I also need you to correct me in a loving way; don't forget about me. You have a natural ability to lead- use that lovingly. We understand that you're hurt too; so there's no need to treat me like an enemy, because I'm not.

A2: I need patience from you. I need unconditional support. Please don't judge me or make me feel ashamed or apologetic for who I am, or the decisions I've had to make to survive in this world. Seek to understand me; plan to be consistent when it comes to loving me. I don't want to be the "strong independent Black Woman" anymore. I'm beginning to feel insulted by that label because I don't need to be that if you exist. I need for you to be reliable and emotionally available to me. I need for you to educate yourself versus waiting for someone to teach you. You can do it!

A3: In return, I'm willing to learn what you need to make our house a home. I'm willing to compromise and communicate effectively. I will treat your family like my own and make you a top priority at all times. I'm willing to accept you and allow you to grow in life- taking interest in new things without trying to change you. I'll believe in you even when you have self-doubt. I'll keep myself sexy and attractive, so that I always keep your eye.

Short Leaf

A1: I want the Black Man to know that we (Black Women) are not all angry. We understand your struggle and support you, because when it affects you, it affects US.

A2: I need you to know that I love you, all of you!

A3: In return for all that you are to me, I will reciprocate the love you give me. Just love me!

Green T

A1: I want the Black Man to know that I am enough and that I know how to love you, if only you'd allow me and "only me" to show you. You can't receive my full potential if you're dividing my time with others. I also want you to know that when you meet me and share your expectations of a woman, I AM that woman and I can meet and exceed all of your expectations.

A2: I need you to know that women are not stupid. You may think we don't know what you're up to, or what you're doing, but we do. You tell on yourself; we don't need to go looking. All we have to do is sit back and watch, and everything will fall into place. When we are fed up; when enough is enough and our hearts can't take anymore, we (Black Women) will exit because "we" know OUR worth!

A3: In return, I will love you unconditionally!

Pretty Brown Eyes

A1:I want the Black Man to know that the reason he's so feared by some and so desired by others , is because he is truly Powerful and Magnificent. Stop living and thinking beneath your power. Be the King that you were created to be. Stop giving us (Black Women) excuses for your shortcomings and just do something about them.You are in control. You have the power to make your life into however you want it, despite not having a dad in your home, being wronged or being passed up for a promotion. No one is holding you down or holding you back accept that man in the mirror. Stop wearing your pants beneath your butt and stop walking around looking unkempt like that's cool, because it's not. You're just perpetuating a negative stereotype and you look ridiculous. It's actually, quite embarrassing.

A2: I need you to stop acting like you don't care, when you truly do. I need you to be sensitive to my needs and I need you to be honest. Follow through on your word and don't abandon me when times get tough. Understand that I'm human and that I make mistakes. Look at my "intentions" before you jump to conclusions or misinterpret something I say or do. Support me, elevate me and encourage me. Make me a priority. Look for me "first" in a crowded room. Understand that I actually bring life into the world and that alone deserves your respect. Stop allowing others to disrespect us (Black Women). Help lift our burden instead of adding to it; we already have so many pressures and responsibilities placed on us. I need your unwavering love, loyalty, embrace, security, sense of adventure, laughter, playful side and lot's and lot's of good sex!

A3: In return I'm willing to give you a safe place to be vulnerable without judgment or fear that your tears, secrets, or fears will be shared with others. I'm willing to love you with my mind, body, heart and soul. I will be trustworthy and loyal. I'll allow you to lead. I'll support your dreams and help them come to pass. I'll encourage you and on the other hand tell you when you're wrong. I'll represent you well in public and respect you when you're not around. I'll be affectionate. I'll keep my appearance and body right. I'll let my guard down and show you my vulnerability. I'll be all you need sexually and I won't be afraid to admit when I'm wrong.

Belle

A1: Black Man, I love you! I value courtship and I want to know that you pay attention to the little things at times. I want to know that you find me sexy, smart and adore me. I would love to be led by a man and submit, but I don't want to be controlled. There's a huge difference! Be honest with me, and let "me" decide what I want to be apart of or not apart of. When I ask for communication , that means active listening, talking and action. Consistency is key. Take initiative; plan things and be spontaneous. The little things go a long way.

A2: I need loyalty, love, respect, adoration, honesty, fun, laughter and security from you. I need your vulnerability and sense of adventure. I need you to be in tune with me; meaning pay attention to me so that you know when i'm happy, sad, irritated, or horny (and no I'm not asking you to be a mind reader). Also, give me space when needed

A3: In return I am willing to give you all that I have asked for in my 2nd answer above; and I'm willing to give you all of me, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I feel gratitude and gratefulness towards these loving Black Women who've poured out of their hearts into the Black Man's soul. I've found many common recurring themes in their expression such as their need for the Black Man's adoration, effective communication, accountability, vulnerability, stimulation (mental and physically), support, security, respect, honesty, loyalty, good leadership and self-determination. These Black Women don't want to feel controlled or judged unfairly. The more the Black Man shows his love and respect through his actions and words, the more she will reciprocate and give the world to him in return. The Black Man has the power to knock down her walls and defenses, through love coupled with patience, consideration and consistency. He alone is not responsible for all of the past infractions against her heart, mind or body, but he is an intrical part of her healing and wholeness. She has a responsibility to show him her vulnerability, but he must show himself to be worthy of that vulnerability. A Black Man that is not so quick to throw in the towel and willing to do the actual work of love, is a Black man that understands that her heart is not just going to be handed to him on a silver platter just because he exists. The Black Woman needs reciprocation in order to sustain "love life" in her relationship. Both, man and woman, must be willing to lay the cards out on the table without cheating the other; in order to foster and sustain the healing and growth needed to repair the hearts that were meant for one another. "Finger snaps" please, while this mic is dropped (to be picked back up again). Stay tuned Black Loves and stay "in tune".