I'm often reminded of the disconnect between the Black Man and Black Woman when I hear some Black Men say it's hard to find a good woman; while on the other hand, I've spoken to many Black Women who say the same regarding the Black Man. In an effort to break down the divide and open the line of love and communication, I've decided to really listen and relay the needs expressed from some loving Black Men, in their own words. This is a raw, uncut, unsugarcoated account, according to his truth. Be assured that as an equal opportunity conduit, next week's blog will feature the truth from the Black Woman's voice, to the Black Man's heart.
I spoke to many Black Men and asked them 3 questions (below). Here are several of their responses. Their names have been disguised in order to keep their anonymity.
Q1. What do you want the Black Woman to know?
Q2. What do you need from her?
Q3. What are you willing to give her in return?
Mr. Lamb & Lion
A1: I want Black Women to know that it is important to take responsibility for the people they chose to be with. Often times women pass up the man they need, for the man they want; and the man they "want" is rarely the man they need. The man they need will speak to their future, their needs and lastly their desires. If she constantly lives by a code of selfishness, instead of a team, she will not keep a good man.
A2: What I need from a Black Woman is to see me for me, not take me for granted, or make me pay for the things men did to her in the past. Again, if she looked for the qualities of a real man that can lead a family, instead of trying to change a thug into something he will never be, she wouldn't have gone through the past pains. Lastly, I need her to not confuse a women's strength with a bad attitude! There is more strength in communication, respect, and submission than attitude, contention, and drama.
A3: In return I'm willing to give her the same respect she shows me through those actions. I'm willing to provide for our family, keeping God first, and give her the desires of her heart. Loving her with every fiber of my being and protecting her from dangers seen and unseen.
Mr. Get It Right
A1: I want the Black Woman to know that she doesn't have to be in control to be recognized. There only needs to be one leader in the house; never a dictator, but a leader, when it comes to making important decisions.
A2: I need her support through the good and the bad. Show me by your intentions that you're ride or die.
A3: In return I am willing to show her appreciation, affection, and most importantly, LOVE.
Mocha
A1: I want the Black Woman to know that I'm sensitive. I don't like to fight. I want to be cared for and treated with kindness.
A2: I need for her to be my friend (with bennies). Support me and my goals. Encourage me. Hold me accountable and enforce good boundaries to keep me on the straight and narrow. I'm a child at heart, and a MAN to the world. Cultivate both with compassion only.
A3: In return, you'll have your champion. Your protector. The man who can do it all. Will try all. Your inner wants will become my outer goals. My world will evolve around making you happy. As one famous singer put it..."You're all I need to get by".
Gerald
A1: I want the Black Woman to understand gender specific roles. Stop trying to play so many different roles when you do meet a good man.
A2: I need her respect. She has to first have enough respect for herself in order to respect a man.
A3: In return, I'm willing to give her love. Women need the love of a man.
Music Man
A1: I want the Black Woman to know it's nice to see more of them embracing a more natural look. Know that marriage isn't for everyone. I'm an active father post divorce, so my children will always be priority one. If you see things about me that you can fix to be more suitable for you; STOP! Move on. I'm not the one for you.
A2: I need the Black Woman to have a more positive spirit. No need to sweat and get upset about small stuff. I need intellectual conversation, smiles and laughter. I need her to focus on her physical and mental health. I need her to be fiscally responsible.
A3. In return, I can give an ear to listen and a hug for comfort. I can give friendship with a "rent-a-husband" form of help when needed...or at least a good recommendation for an expert. I can give you freedom to be yourself without judgement.
Brother To The Night
A1: I want the Black Woman to know that in spite of whatever trials and tribulations she's endured in her past experiences...I'm not guilty! Rather than moving past it, it seems like we (black men) are all on trial for a crime we didn't commit. I'm tired. You don't recognize good dudes when they're in your face. Why are simple gestures like trying to go out on a date, so complicated?
A2: I need for her to communicate. I need for her to have a sense of humor, independence and intelligence. Know your sense of worth. I need sex. Treat "me" occasionally when we go out. I need her to be the Bonnie to my Clyde.
A3: In return I'll give you honesty and all the same things I listed above in my 2nd answer. I'm willing to travel and possibly relocate for you. I'm not confined to my state or country.
Champion
A1: I need the Black Woman to understand that you are more than your clothing, nails, hair or superwoman status. You are a Queen with a divine assignment to give birth to love, peace, family and order. Only you can determine how you carry out your God given assignment. FYI, be real and you will attract the real. Be fake and you will attract that too.
A2: I need you to carry out the role of a traditional wife (cooking, cleaning, sex, caring for the children etc.). This may sound sexist but as a man with daughters, I realize that the Black Woman is an example for her children. Do this regularly and most men will reciprocate. I don't need you to be submissive, just be the better half of the partnership. You Are The Better Half!
A3: In return, I am willing to give you the world, especially when I see you representing like a Queen. I am willing to carry out the role of the traditional Black Man. I just know that I'm motivated when I see the Queen in action.
Arod
A1: I want the Black Woman to know that the same way not all women are the same, neither are men. Please give the new man a fair chance and try not to make him pay for your last man's mistakes. Nothing will make a good man leave faster, than treating him like the last man. Some of us genuinely just want to love you.
A2: What I need from the Black Woman is respect, honesty, loyalty and to know that she loves me for me. I should not have to change who I am as a person for my woman to love me. She should be understanding, able to communicate effectively, without blaming or belittling. She should also be goal oriented. Last but not least, we have to be sexually compatible.
A3. In return, I'm willing to be all of the above for her, along with being her protector, provider, listening ear, safe haven and whatever else my woman needs me to be. If you are worth it and I love you, there's no limit to the things that I will do for you.
Big Daddy
A1: I want the Black Woman to know that we (Black Men) need them to have our backs and support us at all times. Even if she does not agree with the decision that one of us has made overall, we need the supreme support and understanding from the Black Woman. This society has created an intelligent plan of attack against the black family. The divide and conquer tactic has successfully destroyed our homes. If we don't have anything working towards our benefit, at least we have our Black Women by our side; and with her support, we can accomplish anything we put our minds to.
A2. I need the Black Woman to have strong values and understand the "atrocities" and unfortunate circumstances that we as a people face in this country; which warrants a knowledge of self! There's nothing worse than seeing an attractive and intelligent woman who has succumb to the values placed on her by society; and unfortunately "dumbed herself down", to become more acceptable or appealing to the masses.
A3. In return, I am willing to give my life to make sure she's happy, secure and well taken care of. My job as her man is to elevate her, encourage her, support her. If I'm not willing to put my life on the line to ensure that these things are taken care of, then I'm not fit to be the man for her or any woman for that fact.
Kailib
A1. I want the Black Woman to know that she is powerful and appreciated. We gain our strength by how she pushes us to be better and fights alongside us, despite the many obstacles placed before us. And even though we may not say it enough, we are absolutely better" with" her than "without" her.
A2. We need the Black Woman to be patient. We are so damaged by society that we will move in a way of seeking approval from "corporate America" , leading us to sometimes neglect what's most important to us. We always see the light but most times, its after our Queen has been fed up and left.
A3. In return she will be protected and respected. When a man has someone in his corner that has his back regardless, he will knock down walls, to provide for her.
I thank these loving Black Men for trusting me enough to take time to express themselves in such an insightful and impactful way. A few of the recurring themes that I noticed was their need to feel trusted, supported, empowered and desired. They really want the love and companionship of the Black Woman but don't want to feel as if they are paying for a crime that a man in her past committed. This is not to say that men don't also come into relationships with baggage and preconceived notions, but when we get to the basic foundation of what builds a happy, strong relationship; trust, support, empowerment and desire are strong building blocks for success. None of this can occur without open communication both verbally and non-verbally. The building blocks are not built overnight, but take time to establish and perfect. Trust and hope can fuel this relationship transformation between the Black Man and his Black Woman. The Black Woman has to be open and willing to really "hear" what he says he needs, without becoming defensive or minimizing, which can cause more harm than good. We have to be careful not to confuse emotional expression with weakness, because vulnerability in fact requires a lot of strength. If we can remember that at the end of the day, we both want to love and be loved, then that alone can help begin to guide us in the right relational direction.