There are many times when the actions and motives of people (myself included) are questionable. It's okay to love someone despite circumstances or in spite of themselves, however, how do we know when what's truly driving our actions, is stupidity, disguised as love? The Oxford Dictionary defines Stupid as "having or showing a great lack of intelligence or common sense". When you take away the emotional offense related to being called "stupid", you'll see that based on the definition, we all have had moments of stupidity from time to time. Denial can make us stupid and blind to clear signs that it's time to let go of something or someone, or time to at least change course. We want so badly to make certain situations work, hoping that things will get better and that's okay. Optimism is wonderful. You have permission to believe in people and to believe in love, but you must also recognize the signs of stupidity; like when the woman you're always spending money on and taking out on expensive dates, often seems to have a physical ailment or says she's on her period (no matter the week) when you initiate sex; or when that man you're with, never allows you to come over or see where he lives, and always has a bad cell phone signal after 8 p.m. stating that, for the reason he didn't get your call or can't talk. Here are a few more signs of stupidity to be conscious of:
Sign #1- Your significant other is getting everything they need from you, while you get none or very little of your needs met without opposition.
Sign #2- You make MAJOR financial or life changing moves that bind you to that person, even though one or both of you aren't sure you want the relationship to last.
Sign #3- You keep taking your significant other back under the rationale of "unconditional love", expecting a different result, though they've made zero changes to their behavior.
Sign #4- Your significant other shows you who they truly are, you don't like it, but you stay with them because you think you can change who they are.
Sign #5- You keep giving that friend or loved one money and/or shelter, after you've offered them preventative solutions to their problem; and they instead, choose to keep making poor life choices that foster their dependency.
These scenarios are all too common, but there's good news. Our stupidity can be cured! So how do we hit reverse? Here are a few suggestions:
1) Create Limits and boundaries. Determine "when" you're going to draw the line and "how" you're going to draw the line.
2) Conduct a self-evaluation. Think about your own personal needs and how these needs can or can't be met by the current situation. Use your answers to determine the best course of action to address these needs.
3) Think about whether your own actions help or hurt the growth of the person that's in the situation with you. Don't be an enabler. Stop driving the crack addict pass the crack house!
4) Think about how the situation and your involvement impacts your family, particularly your children (if you have any). If the impact is negative or causes unnecessary strain or strife, stand firm and put an end to your involvement in the situation, respectfully and lovingly. Sometimes we have to love people from a distance. You can be there for someone without allowing them to disrupt your life and household.
When your actions constantly leave you in a deficit, while the other person gains (unless they're your children under the age of 25), you just might be suffering from a case of stupidity, but when you've learned how to love in a way that encourages growth, accountability and healthy reciprocation, then you are really and truly loving!
